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12/15/2017 2:46:22 AM

Ladies: 29 things you should never do when banging a dude

29 Things You Should Never Do When Banging A Dude

1. Grip their penis like a microphone. Tap the head twice and say into it, “Check. Check. How’s everyone feeling tonight?”

2. Straddle them so their penis is sticking up through your legs and say in a dumb voice, “Hey, look! I’m you!”

3. Line your nipples up with their nipples and when they make connection pretend you’ve been shocked. Play dead.

4. Flip them over on their stomach and play their butt like a set of bongos. Wear a black turtleneck and nothing else.

5. Hold their testicles in the palm of your hand and ask, “How much for these eggs, eh?”

6. Tie a bow around their penis and testicles and whisper, “Thank you for this beautiful bro-quet.”

7. Wait until the penis is flaccid. Attempt to tie it into a knot.

8. Wait until the penis is hard again. Try and see if you can stick it into their own butt. (You can’t, but try anyway.)

9. Braid their pubes.

10. Stick their penis lengthwise between your buttcheeks and say, “Hey, I didn’t order a hot dog.”

11. Flip Cheerios off the tip of their penis and try to catch them in your mouth.

12. See how many objects around the room you can balance on the tip of their penis before it bends under the weight. Record your high score on a piece of paper.

13. Cover them in blankets so just their penis is exposed. Pretend you’re a cowboy on the frontier having a showdown with a rattlesnake.

14. Move it back and forth like a metronome. Sing a song in perfect time.

15. Stand behind them. Reach around their body and grip their penis. Say, “This is what it would be like if you had three hands and needed to pee.”

16. Nibble on their penis lengthwise like you would with corn on the cob.

17. Crank their penis in a clockwise motion while humming the tune to “Pop! Goes the Weasel.”

18. Locate ribbons. Braid the ribbons around their penis like a maypole. Give thanks for spring.

19. Dangle a sock off the very tip of it. Pledge allegiance.

20. Grip their penis like a stick shift. Pretend you are driving a manual transmission car. Make engine noises.

21. Grab a nearby pencil and challenge their penis to a sword fight.

22. Use their penis as a unit of measurement. Measure things around your room with it. Now you’ll know exactly how many penises long your dresser is next time someone asks.

23. Hang a towel on their penis and pretend it’s a scary ghost. Run away screaming.

24. Oil up their buttcheeks and say, “Wow, TWO Christmas hams? We must have been really good this year!”

25. Trim off their pubes and stick them to your upper lip. Do your best Ron Swanson impression.

26. Grip their penis like a joystick and pretend you are playing an intense game of Space Invader. Make zapping sounds for emphasis.

27. Place a pair of sunglasses on top of their penis. Name it Mr. Longnose. Host a talk show with it.

28. Wrap their testicles in tinfoil and paint their shaft green. Re-enact the entire plot to A Charlie Brown Christmas.

29. Accidentally call them your dad’s name.
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