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12/18/2017 10:20:57 PM

The Superficial presents - something is really eww

Paris Hilton shows off what makes her a national treasure: sexual promiscuity. Anyone else reminded of Susan B. Anthony?

 

Ashlee Simpson has apparently been cursed with Satan’s tongue. This is what happens when you’re a preacher named Joe Simpson and covet thy daughter’s bosom. Or birth the spawn of Pete Wentz. Either one.

 

Beyonce demonstrates that all the money in the world still can’t buy a decent razor. Or am I thinking of happiness? Which one removes armpit hair?

 

Kevin Jonas might want to reconsider the whole purity thing before those moles get any worse. It’s what Jesus would do.

 

Nicole Kidman continues her ongoing battle with Madonna to see who can have the corpsiest looking mitts. First one to go full skeleton hands wins! Man, it’s a good thing these two don’t have kids.

 

Hayden Panettiere appears to be using rubber breast enhancers. Jesus. I feel like a kid finding out Santa Claus isn’t real. And doesn’t have breasts.

 

Tara Reid laughed when friends told her it’s impossible to have a lopsided ass. She sure showed them. She sure showed them…

 

Nicola McLean heroically attempts to find out if gigantic breasts can distract you from her stretch marks. Nope

 

Jessica Simpson will one day master the Kleenex. In fact, she almost didn’t eat one the other day. Almost.

 

Britney Spears can explain what’s going on here: ”Chocolate is yummy!”

 

Mo’Nique and her leg hair test my ability to not go for the obvious Chewbacca joke

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